QUOTABLES:

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?  But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window. -Steve Bluestone

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" -Jay Leno

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off of it. -Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -Red Buttons

I dated this girl for two years - and then the nagging started: "I wanna know your name." -Mike Binder

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and everyone going faster than you is a maniac? -George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -Roger Simon

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax; tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. -Pearl Williams

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -Billiam Corone

Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -Johnny Carson

Never moon a werewolf. -Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -George Gobel

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